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Will the real Dr. G. please come forward?

Edito'rs Note: I recently recieved a scathing letter from a moto journalist, who was irked with the fact that I had scolded him about a tip he gave to riders in a national publication, inciting them to punch holes into the bottoms of their boots so the excess water inside could drain. Being that Sound RIDER! is a 21st century publication, I channeled with an old friend and asked him to respond, rather than me. This is the note he sent back.

Greg,

“Well… see Dr... Here’s the deal. Tom wrote the book on motorcycle touring – Packing Light/Packing Right. All you’ve ever done is ride your motorcycle around the globe six times. So what?!

You think drilling holes in your boots, instead of buying waterproof Gortex Boots is perfectly fine. Good God man, even in the 1960s as you’ve proven to yourself, the US Government had the sensibility to use filters to keep the Vietnamese Trilobites out. But those filters will never keep the baddie bacteria out, which has on more than one occasion had you scratching your feet until you finally used Tom’s method and doused them in pure rubbing alcohol, whiskey or gin. Yes – I invented that solution and, as you most likely know by now, it works every time.

Some people call you “The Doctor Crazier…?” I’ve never referred to you that way. See – I died at the young age of 67, so I’ve only referred to you as the Doctor Geezer. What saddens me as there are very few riders left less than 67. We’ve both failed. Had someone created a video game in the late 1990s, where you and I compete at riding around the world multiple times, we could have recruited armies of new riders. But we didn’t know each other yet, and we never will, so that was not to be. And as a result… us geezers are dying off and the lineage is broken… Juan knows how I died, and it’s all true – whatever Ralph wrote in his book.

As for you taking an Indian Motorcycle on the world's oldest running Hillclimb event, I would caution you. The bike hasn’t run for 20 years, so I hope you can at least get it out and go shopping on it a few times before you chain up the rear tire and make your attempt. It’s against Montana law to ride it with a chain on the tire during the summer months – I think…? You’ll need several things to make it move again. A gallon of WD-40, some cable lube, fresh fuel and a set of new spark plugs. Have you contacted your regular physician, chiropractor and the Billings 911 about your potential attempt? You can never be ready enough.

And what is this about giving away a ‘free book’ via a blog. Don’t you know that’s what got all my friends into bankruptcy? You can’t go around giving away free stuff when you’re a professional rider/writer. That only leads to trouble and the inability to pay your electric bill. Even the modern day music industry has finally figured it out, and they are finally making a profit, as dismal as it may be after 20 years. You think Ralph should go and release all my faxes from the 1990s for free? He already sold them as a book. Keep selling books man!

And don’t forget – Tom wrote the book on motorcycle touring… and he never suggested anyone use a hole punch in their boot to let the water out. But if he ever did, I’m sure he would have followed with information about how to obtain a proper grommet setter. CSC would have likely been ashamed of your de-evolution. Install grommets at least!

BTW – I have a copyright on “Dr. G,” but please, use it if you must and I won’t tell Juan to call Michael Cohen in on you.

Before I started my heavy drinking and use of exemplary drugs, I was a meat man myself. The difference between pork chop and prime is - one is a pig and one… is a cow. I’ve had some prime pork chops back when I did ingest protein, but it’s been years. I’m not sure you actually meant it that way though.

Since I’m dead, you could probably post this in your blog (WTF is a blog?). I won’t whisper to Juan I channeled this note through Tom to you, so that should be fine…

Yours forever – and even after that – because for me it already is,

Dr. Thompson (Dr. Gonzo – with a capitol G.)/May 2018


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