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Moto Mysteries

Some things to think about as you stare out the window and watch it - SNOW!

By John "Dirt Clod" Schofield

This is the slow season for off-road riding. It's a time of year when weather and temperature conspire to keep all but the hardest of hardcores indoors and off their beloved machines. So I've taken this opportunity compile a list of phenomenon that I find curious, baffling and otherwise inexplicable.

Now without further ado, Dirt Clod's Moto Mysteries.

  • Why are there always one or two quad riders who seem to spend their day in the ORV parking lot and do donuts? Is there some powerful adrenaline rush you get from spraying gravel around parked cars?

  • Why is it, after you do every modification required by law to convert your off-road bike to a dual sport, the State of Washington won't issue you a license plate? You can have all the lights, turn signals, mirrors and gauges of a BMW GS and still it's "I'm sorry." This ranks right up there with the grassy knoll on my personal mystery meter.

  • Why can't properly muffled and ORV licensed bikes use the thousands of miles of Forest Service roads? (Please see the previous mystery to find out why I even have to ask this question.)

  • File this one under future orthopedic surgery candidates: People who ride in tennis shoes.

  • Why is it that convenience store clerks who are glad to see me on my way into the trailhead greet me like I was a combination of the unibomber and the swamp thing on my way out?

  • What is it about watching wobbly little kids ride their PW50's that instantly improves your mood?

  • How is it you always seem to get stuck in mud holes at the end of the day? I am already gripless with arm pump and hallucinating with fatigue, now I've got to pull my bike out of a prehistoric tar pit. Whoever is in charge of mud holes, please place them in my way at the beginning of the day. Thank you.

  • Why do most of my wipe outs start with one of the following phrases "I'll just wheelie over this" and "It doesn't look that deep."

  • And why is it I usually kill it right after thinking "Man, this would be a bad place to kill it."

  • Ever wonder if there is a connection between those who trail ride with racing exhausts that sound like artillery barrages and the negative perception hikers and environmentalists have of off-road motorcycles?

  • How is it I can so thoroughly enjoy my lunch with fingers dirty enough to make a septic repairman wince?

  • Here is another astounding fact: In my fifteen years of hanging out at riding areas, no one has ever touched my stuff. I've carelessly left tools, gas cans, tie downs out for the taking and not once has anyone walked with anything. Am I just lucky? Or is it that motorcyclists are a generally good people?

  • Why can't ESPN broadcast their motocross coverage when people with jobs can see it?

  • Why is the amount of land designated for ORV usage under threat?

  • Why don't you join to the Northwest Motorcyclist Association and find out?

  • If off-road motorcycling is one of the fastest growing sports in the country, it's a mystery to me why you aren't doing it.

See you in the dirt. SR!


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